WHAT IS SHE THINKING?

 

Have you ever been in a room and someone is talking about you like you aren't there? You look over at them and just wonder if they realize what they're even doing?

Today is Aug 21, 2024.

Mom developed an infection on the side of her nose around the 9th. We went to urgent care on the 12th. As the Doctor was asking questions, mom couldn't really answer or explain, so I began to be her "voice." 

As I chatted with the Doctor, mom would look at me weird. Each time, I would think to myself, "What is she thinking?" I'd ask if she was ok and she would say yes.

We got meds and headed home.

The morning of the 15th her eye was worse. So we took a journey to the ER. {These were the instructions from urgent care}

Again, as nurses, interns and doctors asked questions, I was her voice. This is such a weird stage and place to be in. It's weird for me and it has to be weird for her.

What is she thinking?

I mean, she can talk. She just can't remember or doesn't know what/how to tell them when they ask questions.

The ER staff was great with her. They gave her new meds and determined she needed to see an eye specialist so an appt was made for Monday, Aug 19th. We were in the ER all day. It was such a long day.

By Monday her eye was looking much better but we headed to the specialist anyway.

It was determined she had a clogged tear duct and they flushed it with a syringe. For all you squimish people I wont post the video - but it was cool to watch.

The next day, Aug 20th, we were off to meet a new primary Doctor.

As we sat talking with the Dr., I kept reaching over and patting moms hand and asking if there was anything she wanted to say. She'd say, "no."

There was so much to cover.

• Medications and how long she had been on them.
• Past surgery dates
• Vaccinations and shots
• Sundowners symptoms
• Shaking hands
• PT/OT
• Her unwavering appetite

... and questions of things she could or couldn't do, get in/out of the shower on her own, bathe on her own, dress herself and/or prepare a meal for herself.

I wanted to cry. 

Not because I was upset, but because my heart hurt for my momma. I kept thinking to myself, 'WHAT IS SHE THINKING' as I sit here and answer questions saying all the things she is incapable of doing.

Answering the questions she is incapable of answering.

WHAT IS SHE THINKING?

She never said a word.

She just sat there. Blinking. Listening. Fidgeting with her hands.

OH MY HEART! JESUS HELP ME!

This disease is horrible.

Her dignity. Her pride. Her..."HER."

I knew by the time we got to the car, she wouldn't remember most of the conversation I was having with the doctor...but still. 

I remember. 

I remember for her and I know how it made me feel speaking about her in front of her.....like she wasn't even there.

But she was. 

Listening.

Listening to every single thing I said about her.

What is she thinking?

Is she thinking she is less than who she is?

Is she thinking she is unworthy?

Oh mom, you are so loved. Not just by me, but by many.

I hate this for you!

Oh my heart.

~bo